How to talk to children about death: A guide to welcoming their questions and feelings

By Marieta Lefèvre
Head of People and Culture

In our society, there is a kind of “silent pact” in which no one talks about death, especially with children. However, when we avoid the subject, we are teaching children that they should do the same.

Children are not too young to talk about death; we simply need to find a way of talking about it that is appropriate to their age and understanding.

From an early age, children come into contact with the idea of death: a little fish dies, grandparents die, a movie or story character dies. These experiences can awaken different feelings and questions. So yes, it is possible and important to talk about death, especially when children ask questions or show interest in the subject.

The most important thing is for adults to feel comfortable talking about it. Generally, the greatest difficulty in talking about death lies with the adult, not the child, and that is okay, because it is difficult indeed, as it touches on our own beliefs and insecurities. If this happens, seek help from someone you trust who can guide you.

It is important to be prepared for difficult questions, such as: “What happens when someone dies?”, “Will the person who died never come back?” or “Did they become a star?”

More than having all the answers, it is essential for the adult to show that they can welcome what the child is bringing forward: their questions, concerns, sadness, and fears. It may seem like little, but active listening is enormously valuable.

And there is something that may be surprising: even after a difficult conversation, often, just a few minutes later, the child is already playing. This does not mean that they did not feel or understand what happened. Playing is also one of the ways they find to process what happened and move forward.

If they wish, it is worth talking about the person who has passed away, remembering situations they experienced together, and looking at photos. These are ways of reinforcing that the bond of love and affection remains, despite the physical absence, because memories remain alive in our minds and in our hearts.

Another aspect is that, whenever someone close to a child dies, it is common for them to fear being left alone or losing the parents they love so much. At this moment, it is very important to reassure them that they will always have people who love them taking care of them. This will give them a sense of security.

Here are some tips for approaching this sensitive subject:

• Be available: Be open and willing to talk about death with your child. Be present to listen to their questions, fears, and emotions. Show them that you are there to support them.
• Be honest and gentle: Use simple language appropriate to the child’s age to explain death. Avoid metaphors or confusing expressions that could lead to misunderstandings. Be honest in your answers, but also respect the limits of what the child is ready to understand.
• Validate their feelings: Children may experience a variety of emotions in response to death, such as sadness, fear, aggression, or confusion. Validate these feelings and let your child know that it is normal to feel this way.
• Make room for questions and discussions: Create a safe and welcoming environment where your child can ask questions and share their thoughts about death. Be prepared to answer their questions, always starting from what they already know. Do not answer what they have not asked; let them express their doubts and only then respond.
• Use resources: There are children’s books that address the subject of death in a sensitive and age-appropriate way for different age groups. Consider reading these books with your child and having a conversation about the subject afterward.
• Encourage creative activities: Drawing, painting, or creating something related to feelings surrounding death can help your child express their emotions and process what is happening. Encourage these activities and remain open to talking about what they have created.
• Remember that every child is unique: Each child may react differently to death. Be patient, empathetic, and respect your child’s pace. By addressing death openly and lovingly, you are helping them develop a healthy understanding of this aspect of life.